Sunday, October 6, 2013

FALLing out of Love

Have you ever watched a leaf fall to the earth?  It begins with that moment of release from its branch, when its purpose and beauty are no longer required.  Its abrupt demise is followed by a slow fall to earth in which it dances through the air.  It drifts left to right, floats gracefully as it puts on a performance as a last tribute to the tree which gave it life.  The wind determines where it will ultimately land, where its final resting place will be.  That single leaf began as a tiny bud just short 6 months prior, grew & grew, changed colors and now, in its final pigment of brown, is falling to the earth's floor, which will lovingly welcome it home.  One single leaf on a tree doesn't single-handedly create the beauty that is the tree, no, it's the thousands upon thousands of leaves that work in collaboration to give the tree its shape, its canopy, its life.  You appreciate and admire every single unique leaf, as each one served it's purpose and without it, the tree would not be complete.  The leaf's transformation and existence were short-lived, but you know that come next spring the cycle will begin again.

That one leaf had an incredible journey, and as you ponder its life you very slowly look up at the rest of your yard to be greeted by approximately 3.21 billion of that leaf's brothers, sisters, cousins and 2nd cousins twice removed.  You stop.  You stare.  You think to yourself, oh, sweet baby Jesus, these 3.21 billion leaves need to be removed, all of these leaves have made MY damn yard their graveyard.  You take a look around and appreciate how outnumbered you are.  You then begin to count the amount of trees on your, two, three, six, nine, HOW THE HELL DO YOU OWN 9 TREES!?!!?  Why did we not do a tree count before putting an offer in on this house?  These once shade-providing, privacy-producing, bird-housing beauties of nature are now your enemies.  "DAMN YOU TREES!!!" you bellow, as you are now on both knees and waving your fists toward the heavens.  You then realize that you are falling out of love with the same trees that brought you so much joy all summer long.

How will you remove all of this leaf debris?  First thing is first, you pull out your trusty property survey to confirm that the large patches of grass immediately touching & surrounding your home are in fact your property.  Could there be a mistake, maybe all of this grass belongs to the county or a neighbor somehow.  Okay, confirmed, every square inch of "your yard," is in fact your yard.  Hmmm, what are the odds that a powerful rogue wind will descend upon your home and remove the billions of leaves from your yard and "conveniently place" them in your neighbors?  You imagine the conversation with neighbor Bob, "Oh, sorry, Bob, really strange that this wind-thing happened, that's really terrible luck, mother nature, you just never know what she's gonna do!"  Knowing that this 'rogue wind luck' would only occur with God's interference, you accept that He's probably too busy to assist with leaf removal, and explore other options.  After doing further research you have concluded that your HOA will NOT allow you to burn your yard as a method of leaf removal.  You also know that those HOA tyrants will be sending you a certified letter in approximately 36.2 hours if the 3.21 billion leaves aren't removed promptly.  'Prompt leaf removal' is stipulated in clause# 458.A.1.2 of your HOA documents, and you know that they're ready to pounce and fine your broke ass!  You quickly take note that you'll either need to hire 24 large-able-bodied-men to work 18 hours/day, 7 days/week to keep up with the removal....or you'll need the largest beast of a leaf-blower-sucker-upper-thing that you ever did lay your eyes on.  Also, you will want to purchase roughly 2,487 Home Depot yard waste bags to accommodate the amount of leaf debris you will be cultivating.  Your ass is as broke as a joke, but you are willing to sell your first born to get your hands on that leaf-blower-sucker-upper-contraption!  Once again you find yourself shouting, "DAMN YOU TREES AND YOUR REINDEER GAMES!", as your little fists pound away at it's bark.  They say that necessity is the mother of invention, and EUREKA!, you've got it.  You will arrange 11 large rakes abreast and weave dozens of bungee cords through the handles as to create a massive sweeping rake that can comb your yard in one fell swoop.  You will put your husband in charge of pulling this device through your yard.  Will this work?  Are you willing to buy 10 more rakes and lots of bungee cords?  No. 

It's been a love/hate relationship with these leaf dropping ba$tards.  They lovingly reduced your A/C bill all summer long, provided the shade for your summer picnics with your children, created a sanctuary for the birds that serenaded you, and now they are leaving you with more back-breaking work than a 340 acre tobacco farm.  You are now considering beaver-gnawing at them with your bare teeth to bring them down if you have to.

You take one more look around, assess the damage, and wait, you forgot to look up.................OH HELLS NO, the trees still have 80% of their leaves.  These leaves are hanging on by a thread, taunting you, you are at their mercy, you know that with one light breeze, thousands will begin their final dance to the earth's floor......your yard.  If this is only 20%, what the hell will 100% look like?  In 6 more days, you will be standing ass-deep in leaves, you also realize that you would instantly lose your 2 small children in leaves upon exiting your home.  You concede, that leaf-blower-sucker-upper-thing & 2,487 Home Depot yard waste bags will have to be purchased.  To the Home Depot you go, hello credit card! The cost doesn't matter, sanity is worth every penny, right?  You may have fallen out of love with these trees this Fall, but come next spring you know you'll be back in love.

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