Thursday, August 29, 2013

True Confessions from a Laundress

I am beginning to feel like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day; same activities, same people, same time, E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E D-A-Y.  The activity that's heavily contributing to this time loop sensation is none other than: LAUNDRY.  I loathe doing laundry, I mean the process of sorting, washing, drying, folding and then hanging and putting away for 4 people is about as fun as running a marathon in my humble opinion.  I'd like to refer to myself as a laundress (I believe that the individual that coined that term combined Laundry & Goddess, yes, I'm a laundry goddess).  I do 3 loads of laundry/day, everyday, and if I choose to "skip" a day, no prob Bob, because I do 6 the next day.  Yep, there's no fighting it, me and the washer & dryer are besties!  Between bedding, towels, and like 4 wardrobe changes per day per child, I am spending an inordinate amount of time in the laundry "room", which is more like a laundry closet.  Unfortunately, 1 load per day is bedding.  I have tried to avoid doing this load of bedding like the plague, but I need to just accept that this is my new norm.  My sweet Connor, our type 1 diabetic, has been doing some bed wetting for the past 9 months, just a gestation period, and I don't think that this will change anytime soon.  According to his Endocrinologist, bed wetting at 4 years old is not unusual at all, but the amount of urine he produces will be significantly more than most kids thanks in part to his diabetes. 

When we moved to this house a couple months ago, the world of laundry as I had known it, changed.  Our rental property for the past 3 years boosted a laundry facility in the basement and it involved lugging laundry up multiple flights in order to get 'er done = a workout similar to Insanity! 

Sooooo one of the perks of moving to our new home is that the laundry room is on the floor with our bedrooms, this little fact caused me to bust a similar move:

It was going to be nothing but rainbows, puppy dog tails, ice cream and sunshine moving forward, I just knew it!  I imagined being totally caught up on laundry, maybe even days with no laundry, I would be like June Cleaver, I would be in laundry heaven, and my house would be perfection.  Can we say FANTAAAAASY!!!???  Connor had different plans for me which entailed him pissing on his sheets every night and then having his Mama wash bedding for the rest of her days. 

Sending this kid off to bed is like preparing for the trenches:
  • Nothing to drink after 7pm
  • Industrial strength overnight diaper
  • Multiple potty trips before bed
  • His blood sugar needs to be in the 100s or otherwise it's a piss-fest in there
  • At midnight during the blood check, change him into his 2nd industrial strength diaper (repeat a 3rd time if necessary)
  • His mattress is sealed by a water-proof protector
Uh and he still leaks, how the hell does he still leak, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I've seriously contemplated sending him off to bed in a similar fashion......

Bless his heart, he has no control over it and I just grin and bear it.  Loving Connor = being a full-time laundress.

I'll come clean, I restart the dryer, sometimes repeatedly to get the wrinkles out (sorry for the electricity bill, hubby :), love you!).  Sometimes I think I'll have time to fold, but alas, I was wrong.  Try again, and again.  Washing machine, yep, sometimes a girl has gotta re-wash a load or 2 (sorry again babe!).

So if anyone has any questions about my whereabouts or how I spend my days, or if I ever go "missing," you know exactly where to find me, in the laundry room!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


It's like a scene out of Jumanji up in here!  Where might you ask..........oh, just the little sanctuary that I call 'home'.  My husband and I only saved for 3.5 years, pinching pennies, rented, sold our 1st born (jk), and searched for 5 months for the perfect home, to be given the opportunity to own this zoo we call "home".  We moved in the beginning of June 2013.....and there has been an ongoing war raging in my home, I may win a battle here and there, but the war will be long and arduous, and I fear we will not be the victors.
It kind of feels like ALL of God's creatures vs. Todd Magin & Megan Nugent (yes, my hubby's last name is my first name, I'll save that for a different blog entry).  God's creatures are winning, as they are masters in procreation (we are really outnumbered), they move in packs/swarms/mates, whatever you wanna call it, and there are a variety of enemies to fight.  What's in my home???, better question, what is NOT in my home. 

We have an ant infestation that that would adequately suffice as the food supply for roughly 10 large anteaters.  These mammals would be in heaven in my home and I am considering capturing Central American anteaters and releasing them in my kitchen; as the exterminator, mouse traps, Borax, and vinegar haven't worked, just then, just MAYBE, we'd get rid of them. 

Run free Anteater....

Spiders, ohhhhh. dearrrr. Godddd. Why the spiders, what have done to deserve them?  I have been on every arachnid website trying to accurately identify the 2 million spiders that are hanging from every window sill/ceiling/corner/crevice/nook & cranny in my home.  I believe I have identified these little devils (drumroll please), it's a cellar spider......ta-da......isn't she a beaut?

Birds........I don't know where to begin?  I will be brief and say that our neighborhood is severely infested with birds.  Curious, what type, no problem, I've identified those as well.  The Common Starling anyone?

They tell me that bunnies are good at it, but I have never witnessed such procreation as what the Starling is capable of.  At any given point our yard is white from bird droppings and it is speckled with gray feathers.  They occupy a tree by the thousands, and chatter about to the point it's deafening, and this is occurring throughout our neighborhood, just THOUSANDS of them per tree.  There's been a whole lotta baby making with these little guys!  I was totally fine with them outside, but did I mention that 2 lost lovers made their way into my garage and wouldn't get out?  I was actually okay with our new garage inhabitants, until 1 flew into my home last week (I will detail that story another day).  Our rescue dog (who happened to be a previous hunting bird dog) came to the rescue and after 2 minutes got the bird out of my house.  Where was I?, just under a blanket on my couch screaming my head off, while my life was flashing before my eyes.

And then $hit got real............

Looks cute, right?  Yeah, this little rodent is cute in a field, in a cage or something, but not in my house.  It was brought to my attention yesterday that we have droppings throughout our 1st floor.  I used my trusty friend, the internet, and was able to identify these droppings as mice droppings.  I am now in my early 30s and searching excrement color, size, and shape on the world wide web, it's sad times people!  Where Mighty Mouse, or worse, Mighty Mice is/are located in my home is unknown as I type this, but we have some indications thanks to the droppings :).

So I thought.....

If I see these rodent(s), I will LOSE IT, I AM TALKING BAT-$HIT CRAZY - YOU WILL HAVE TO COMMIT ME WITH A STRAIGHT JACKET!!!!  I am in a war, so I brought out my combat boots.  I figured if the mouse/mice come running at me full speed, I will have knee-high boots to protect me (if you're going to have to fight, you might as well look good ;)).  May I present to you my combat boots (nothing but Target's finest):

I have not detailed the flies, moths, stink bugs and frogs that hang from our window screens, sneak in if I dare open to the door to exit the premises, hey, everybody wants in apparently.

I will be sure to keep you apprised on our current mouse situation.

Wish us luck!

Mark-Up Anyone?

If anyone is looking for a mark make-up artist, please look no further, we have a little lady that goes bold, she's not shy with colors and is willing to think outside the box.  She is free of charge!  Wedding?  No problem!  Folks, please meet Ms. Chelsea:

A couple other views of her handywork:

Unfortunately, her work isn't limited to just the human body, as our chair was also adorned with Rose Petal by L'Oreal.  This occurred a couple weeks ago, since then she got into more lipstick (which was lovingly rubbed into our bedroom carpet - please refer to Exhibit A) and opened my deodorant and rubbed chunks of it that she had dug with her fingernails on our bathroom rug.  My eyeliner also took a direct hit, luckily she just unscrewed it until it fell out of it's plastic pen and fell on our dining room table, ah vell, $4.99 down the drain, but at least nothing else was destroyed.

She is a smart, fun-loving, determined little lady, but she definitely has a mean streak!  I refer to her has Chelserella, my son asked me why, and I told him I had combined Chelsea + Cinderella, because she's a princess....uhhhh, some days it's more like Chelsea + Cruella.

I'm sure this will not be the last post of this nature, she's a busybody and always looking for creative outlets.

Please say a prayer for us :)!!!

Exhibit A

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


My mother who resides outside of Atlanta, Ga. came up for a visit recently.  My mother is originally from the New York City area, and she comes equipped with a Jersey accent, her cigarettes, a cup of coffee......and some really great ideas on how to break into things ;)!

While taking a cigarette break in her car last week, she locked her keys in her vehicle.  Upon discovering her mistake, she began to conjure up ideas on how to retrieve her keys....these were creative to say the least.

Ideas employed by my 66 year old mother:
  • Thick green plastic coat hanger sawed in half (somehow you place the hanger in behind the glass)
  • 2 thin twigs (you just kinda poke the glass with them)
  • 1 pair of kitchen tongs (just massage the glass with them)
  • Shoe lace (you get this behind the glass and unlock the lock? somehow?)
  • Rock (you break your reverse light, reach in through the trunk)
  • Metal coat hanger (you repeatedly ram this in your trunk key hole and hope that it opens)
I tried reasoning with her, "Mom, what are you doing with these twigs????"  She had ideas folks, and trying to rationalize with her wasn't going to stop her, she was a lady on a mission!

In case you're wondering, yes, she is available for hire!  Here she is in action:

 I'm not sure what the twig was going to accomplish.....

Last I checked, the experts don't use these devices, but it's never too late to start exploring these options.  Needless to say, these ideas didn't work, so I came out with a metal coat hanger and got it behind the glass and tried my best to get it around the driver's side handle, but alas, no luck. 
My husband came home from work and tried repeatedly with no success, so the calls to locksmiths began...but the quotes of $190.00 were a bit daunting.  My mom contacted our local police department, and within 5 minutes a really friendly officer was at our home and retrieved the keys in under 10 minutes (in the rain I might add).

I don't know the last time I laughed that hard.  Every time I picture her massaging the glass with kitchen tongs, I about lose it.

Love you Mom, thanks for the great laughs! :)