Tuesday, December 3, 2013

You're Welcome!

If you reside in Loudoun County, VA, or its surrounding counties, I just want to go ahead and extend to you a big "YOU ARE WELCOME!"  I apparently, unbeknownst to me, have been personally tasked by the good Lord to eradicate the entire stink bug population in the entire county.  That's all.  No big deal or anything.  No, God did not contact me directly regarding this matter, or just-maybe-perhaps-most-likely He sent me a memo and I somehow missed it.  I know for a fact that this must have been a directive from a higher power, this perfectly explains the magnitude of little ba$tards that have entered my residence.  Among a million other titles that I currently hold, Mom, Wife, Nurse, Housekeeper....yours truly is also the MURDERER OF THE MARMORATED.  You see, I am 99.872% positive that ALL stinkbugs in Loudoun County were directed to enter my home to be humanely euthanized.  Must be.  At any point, they are in every nook & cranny, on every window, of every room, and I mean, every f%^&$ room of my house.  Our state-of-the-art-don't-need-an-exterminator-up-in-here method of stinkbug removal is to do the following: grab the bug in a tissue, promptly throw it into the toilet, quickly close the lid, and flush as fast as possible before any escape attempts are made by the little a$$hole!  This quick destruction normally prevents the bug from having time to release its "smell" and is also just an effortless easy breezy clean-up!  Pretty ingenious if you ask me, well, that is until we get our water bill.

If you are on the left coast, or some other magical part of the world that doesn't have stinkbugs, for one, count your blessings, for two, please say hello to our little friend:

 According to Wikipedia, "Stink bugs typically have four generations per growing season in Asia, and one after transplantation to the U.S., but an unusually warm and early spring and summer in 2010 allowed them to produce two additional generations in regions like Maryland and Northern Virginia."  You read that here first folks, and don't be worried, those two additional generations referenced in the Wiki quote, are all currently lodging in the Magin/Nugent household - and you better believe that we are battling/toilet-treating their brown marmorated asses everyday!  In case you are not familiar with them, or their "smell", if the stinkbug becomes startled or dies, it releases its "signature smell".  In my humble opinion, after smelling THOUSANDS of them, I'd liken it to a very stinky gym sock + a citrusy-lemon scent.  My new perfume line will be called: Eau de Lemon Chaussette (sock in French according to Google - does anyone speak French, is that right?).  This smell lingers in the air for several minutes, and after minute 2, you are looking for a new nose, any nose, any nose but your own.  You just can't help it. 
So, if you are walking the streets of Ashburn, or in your home in Sterling, or perhaps in your friend's backyard in Leesburg, and are wondering, questioning even, "where are all the stinkbugs????"..........Megan Nugent & family are personally handling the entire stinkbug infestation/crisis for the county from the inside of our humble abode.  I am currently accepting Thank You notes, gift cards, and brand-new vehicles as a way of saying "thank you" for my unremitting attempts to remove these little stinky bullies from our environment.

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