Dear Author-of-children-books-with-words-I-cannot-pronounce,
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US??? Let's understand something here: by the time I am getting these children to bed, I am EXHAUSTED!!!! I have been up since 7am, I have fed them multiple meals, wiped butts, listened to incessant talking/sometimes babble, have broke-up 403 fights between siblings, tried to complete 3 loads of laundry, cleaned toilets, done dishes, entertained the kids for 10 hours and now I have reached the finish line. I am physically, mentally and emotionally spent. I'm almost to the point of rocking myself in fetal position and methodically repeating, "make it stop, make it stop, make it stop" (I actually did that last week). Anyways, we've bathed them, brushed their teeth, checked our diabetic's blood, gave one last snack, put on jammies and we are off to their beds! WAHOOOO! Mommy and Daddy are REALLY excited about the freedom & quiet that comes with bedtime! My grand plan is to watch an episode of Mad Men on Netflix with the last bit of energy that is remaining. I am cross-eyed and weary, but I know that only books remain on our night-time checklist, and I can do this!
My son collects 2 books from his bookshelf that he chose from our local library earlier that day, this is gonna be fun, new books to delve into! Yes, the fun is just beginning, you author-bastards with tricks up your sleeves, you have to know I AM TIRED, and I'm grasping at the last bit of energy and mental resources that I have remaining! I begin to read and remind myself that there are only 14 pages, "You can do this Megan, you got this girl, 14 to go!" Nope, no you don't, 'cause some-jerk-face "author" is gonna play you for a fool. 1 sentence in and I have to pause, and think, "what the hell is this, I don't recognize this?" I have reached a word that I have never seen before, and realize that this thing is made-up by some creative genius who doesn't have kids and thinks it's fun to string the alphabet together and make parents practice phonics. I tell myself, Megan, you have 2 options here, you can either skip over this word, or you can go ahead and accept the challenge that this creative jerk has presented you with. Being the competitive lady that I am, I ACCEPT THE CHALLLENGE! Words that are completely made up and have 19 consonants and 3 vowels shoved somewhere in between the consonants = not fair, but I can do this! There I am, sounding out the word about 9 times, la-la-la-laqu-laquy-laquyitspz......and then I practice saying the word roughly 4 times before I get it "right". Is it really ever correct if it isn't even a real word, zzzzz-aaaa-kkkk-lll-sss-uuu-ppp-jjj.....WHAT THE HELL, THIS IS NOT A WORD, WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVE BEHIND THIS "AUTHOR"!?? Meanwhile my son is staring at me like, "I know you can do this mommy, you are so smart, don't get frustrated, you can read that word!" I cannot lose my reading credibility with him, I will soon be his reading instructor/master, he's gotta know that I can read. I look at his sweet face, my frontal lobe is in the process of shutting down and FINALLY, I get it right, I think. Phew, this page only took me 2 minutes and 6 seconds of sounding a word out that doesn't exist, but I got through it! Page 2. There it is, another f*&&^#$$%%! word that does not exist!!! You got me! That's right, this creative jerk has outdone him/herself with the way they had the cover illustrated to capture my son's attention.....and of course you included all the action figure men fighting throughout the book to really win him over, damn it! My son has held the book, loved the book and couldn't wait for Mommy to read it, yep, I realize that the joke.is.on.me! Ah vell, I enjoy taking 30+ minutes to sound-out made-up words and not watching that episode of Mad Men. To these authors (and you know exactly who you are), this is not funny, I am tired! If you're gonna make-up a word, let's go with 2 or 3 letter words: examples: suw, lut, wap = fun & easy = Mad Men for mommy!!!
Sincerely,
An exhausted mommy
Dear Speedracer-on-my-a$$-in-the-far-right-lane,
Are you Jimmie Johnson, is that what's going on, because I am really trying to understand what you don't understand about the lane that I am located in. The far right lane is reserved for those who are "kinda-obeying" the speed limit. I have placed my grandma-style-driving-self over in that lane so that you have the beauty of not having to deal with me. I am really happy driving the speed limit - 10mph over, and that's pretty much it! One of the deterrents to speeding (besides the obvious tickets and death from a high speed collision) is that I am in a desperate need of alignment and my car shakes like crazy when I get above 65mph. Holding onto the steering wheel is like holding onto a washing machine on spin cycle, it's not easy, so 65 and below it is for me. I have my music playing, I'm probably singing loudly & badly and my windows are down. I have not a care in the world, I am happy, and all of a sudden on a 4 lane interstate, there you are, on my bumper, like white on rice. I assume the other lanes must be terribly crowded, but alas, noooo, they are empty. It's you and me, and we are in the far right lane together, we are butt buddies. You just won't go around me. At this point, I am wondering if you are confused, on drugs, are 16, have an emergency of some sort, have a lower than average IQ, is it just lack of experience.....what is going on? I'm assuming you want me to just vanish or something, but really if I had that type of vanishing power, I would not drive a car and just teleport everywhere I had to go. So, if you could please just pass me on the left and not get so close to my car that I can see your eye color from my rearview mirror, it would be greatly appreciated!
Kind regards,
The lady in the far-right lane
Here I am (see, I'm happy):
Dear "Terrible Twos,"
You have arrived early and as always, it ain't cute! I would issue the following warning to individuals who may have contact with my daughter over the next year:
The arching of the back when getting placed in the car seat, the throwing of objects at my face, the "NOOOs", the high-pitch screaming, and the "it's mine!, it's mine!......guess, what? I'm really done with it all!" The beautiful thing this time around is that I'm not as phased as the 1st time, nope, been there done that, and it's just really annoying at this point. I used to beat myself up and think that I wasn't parenting properly and that's what caused the tantrums, or that my reactions to the tantrums was all wrong and that's why there were 7/day, did my son need an exorcism??? But nooooooo, now I know, these little people are just demonic because. That's the real answer, it's: just because. Not being able to communicate with words is pissing these little people off and here you are telling them what, when and how to do everything and I'm pretty sure they want to claw your eyeballs out. "The Terrible twos": the phrase may sound cute with it's alliteration, but let's be honest, these little people can be nightmares and I'm ready to welcome age 3!
Signed,
Mama-of-a-soon-to-be-2-year-old-with-evil-tantrums
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